a late thanksgiving

1.
i am glad for the blueberry pie you help me steal from the dining hall. the furtive glances and your laughter make it taste that much sweeter. later, i will be glad for the memory of your tongue turned purple.

i will keep the bowl as a souvenir.

2.
i am glad for the way you let me fall asleep at the foot of your bed. you don't put your fingers on my hair and whisper, "amy, amy, wake up." (though i wouldn't have minded if you had.) instead, you tell me, "put your legs here," so your body can fit beside mine.

3.
i am glad for the arch of your eyebrows and the hair on your arms. i know you're self-conscious about it. still, when i smooth them out with my fingers, you don't say a word.

don't worry if i seem fascinated with the things you hate about yourself. i just want to love the parts of you that no one has loved before.

4.
i am glad for the way you drive out here to see me. even if all you have is time enough for a smoke. even if the wind is so cold there are tears on our cheeks.

secretly, i am glad for the smell of cigarettes on my clothes. it lingers on me the way your eyes, your touch never do. it lingers on me the way they used to.

5.
i am glad for the knowledge of your lips against mine. it would have killed me to wonder.

i am glad for the way you make yourself say, "it was just physical, nothing more. that was what we agreed on." they all say, how can he be so cruel. love is not a contract. but i know cruelty is your only defense against yourself. so be cruel if it makes things easier.

6.
here are the things i am not glad for: the fact that you are with someone else. the way i hope you sometimes have you catch yourself, bite your tongue to stop from saying my name instead of hers. the way i try to hurt you with stories about other boys. the way it sometimes works.

the way i tell myself that i need to grow up. that it is only a matter of time before my heart learns to distinguish between loving and being in love with you. the way i fear it will not be so much "learns" as "breaks."